To Love Is To Live

8:00 A.M.

Beep Beep
I wasn’t ready for the alarm yet, though it was bound to arrive at some point. My head was still a bit dizzy from the little sleep I got last night, but school was calling, nothing to be done.
I sat up straight in my bed, pulling at the curtains next to me to let some light into the dim, fusty room.

Downstairs, the house was empty—not still, but already. Dad’s left for work again, like it happens to be multiple times a week.
The thuds of my footsteps on the stairs echoed silently through empty halls. And as always, a little note greeted me at the kitchen table:

Hi,
At work early today, you girls make it to school yourself, okay?
See you tonight,
Dad :)

It’s not like the smiley at the end improved literally anything to this stupid note. He might as well just have kept the one from last Tuesday and reprinted it for all I cared… Not even a “Love you”, or a “Have fun at school”? Sometimes I had trouble sympathising with this guy I called my father. But alas, it was up to me to wake my little sister Alena and get us up and ready I suppose.

Merely 15 minutes later we were sat with a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk at the kitchen counter. We exchanged looks, but only the munching and chewing sounds filled the room. I looked up over her sweet little face and noticed the clock.
“You ready for school today?” I asked while looking back at Alena’s eyes.
She looked up from the cereal bowl in front of her and stared at me with a somewhat empty gaze for a while.
“Aw, you still a bit tired, hmm? I’m sure when we arrive you’re gonna be excited about it again. What classes are you having today?”
“Nothing special”, she almost whispered out before lifting another spoonful up to her mouth.
“Will you have any classes with Andrew today?”, I somewhat playfully asked while leaning in a bit closer. Her eyes looked back at me with a look that screamed: “Please don’t talk about that”, though her cheeks started to flush a little. He was a sweet boy, though she had yet to make a move with him.
“Well what about Oscar then, hmm?” She replied confidently.
“What about him?” I leaned back in my chair and gave her a cocky smile.
She rolled her eyes looking back and went back to finishing her breakfast. Sometimes she would open up to me about her love interests, though I suppose her morning moods made this not the best time for a conversation like that.

We finished breakfast and within 30 minutes we were both packed and ready to head off to school. I noticed Alena had switched into a cute enough outfit that this time confirmed she would have classes with her crush, though I figured I would simply let it go for now and hear all about it over dinner.
“Ready to go?”

11:12 A.M.

Footsteps echoed all around. I opened the creaky door of my locker, which must have seen a few decades of students by the looks of it. It wasn’t a big problem for me though, it’s not like I cared much for stuff like that anyway.
I shoved a few books and notebooks into the thin locker and pulled some out in return.
Suddenly, a warm hand surrounded my chest and shoulder. Before I could look back though, his lips already surprised the top of my head.
My mouth couldn’t help but form a smile at his presence, his touch. He had always been the sweetest to me, and I wouldn’t wish it any other way.
“Hey Oscar,” I laughed.
With a quick move of his hands, he spun me around, facing the hallway. “Hey cutie.”
At first I didn’t even notice his eye. Not only was he a solid head-and-a-half taller than me, he also never did much of an effort to pull any attention to himself:
“Got anything good on today? Interesting biology lessons or something, hmm?” He knew I always had biology on Thursdays.
“Ehh, nothing too sp– wait what’s that?” I stood up on my toes while laying my hand on his cheek. It looked like his eye was a little tainted again. “What’s up?” My voice turned a bit more delicate.
“What, this? It’s nothing, I get clumsy,” he chuckled a bit. His hand moved up to mine, as he leaned in to kiss me on my forehead. “And I can always count on you to be worried about me, hmm?” His smile turned sweet again, which never fails to hit some sort of soft spot with me.
“You bet,” I confidently said while turning my attention back towards my backpack.

“Hey, so you know what we’ve been talking about, right?” His voice remained calm, but I sensed a shift in his presence. “Are you still up for it?”.
I noticed it in myself too.
It was not the fact that I needed to recall what we discussed, more so the consequences of it. I silently nodded back.
“Good,” he kissed my forehead again, “this is your decision okay?”
I kept quiet and nodded once again. My smile had softly faded a little, but not because of him.

He leaned a bit closer and lifted my hand up while proceeding to kiss it. He turned mine upside down and lay a note in with his other hand. Our eyes never pulled off from one another. And as the paper hit my hand, his face shifted into a tender sweetness, saturated with a gentle smile that said it all.
“Cya later baby,” he winked and walked off again.
I looked back at my hand and the note that rested in my palm. I knew what it said. I had been scared of this day for a long time, but never had I had bad feelings about what was gonna happen. This was my life after all, my decisions to make.

I opened the note cautiously, and read the words out loud in my head:
“I’ll be there at midnight.”

6:55 P.M.

Bzzzz, Ding!
I had watched the timer tick down to eventually stop the platter from spinning.
“Aleen! Dinner’s ready!”
I opened up the microwave and grabbed the plate out of it.
Before I had even finished dividing up the pasta among our two plates, Alena had already made her way downstairs.
“You know I don’t like Aleen…” She sat down at one side of the table, organising the cutlery next to her food.
“Oh, yeah right.”
I poured the both of us a glass of water and sat down opposite of her.
“Thanks,” Alena said before starting to eat her plate of spaghetti.

We sat in silence for a while. This was something not out of the ordinary with the both of us. Usually, it was up to me to start conversation, but right now, it felt different. Just seeing her silently eat her pasta, giving me a happy look every now and then, it felt heavier.
I knew she was happy, and above all that she could take care of herself. Lately, it’s been more my job than dad’s. And honestly, it hurt. Not for me, but for her. For sweet Alena.
“Y’know,” Alena started while still chewing on a few strands of spaghetti, “I had lunch with Andrew today.”
She swallowed the rest and took a sip of water. Her cautious, questioning eyes said it all—she needed to have this chat with me. But all I could do for a second was just smile at her with a heavy heart.
“Well?” She shook her head while her look grew more curious.
“That’s awesome Alena, I’m happy for you,” I tried to sound as genuine as possible, but it felt wrong. I couldn’t let her tackle life on her own like this.
“That’s all? I could really use some advice here Liv,”
Once again, it fell quiet for a second, but this time it was different.
“You know, A, some moments are extra special if you experience them yourself.”
“What does that even mean,” she asked somewhat annoyed before picking up her fork again. My heart shattered just a little bit as I heard her voice in that way,
“It means that I might not always be around to give you advice. Sometimes you’re just gonna have to—”
“But you’re here now, right?” Her expression shifted from annoyance into something more worrying.
“Of course I am.” I reassured her straight away.
“All I’m saying is that I know you, and I know that I can always rely on you to make the right decision.”
I noticed her eyes turning a bit more into confusion again. She almost raised an eyebrow at me before continuing to twist the spaghetti around her fork.
“I mean, handling it the way you are, you’ll be with Andrew in weeks. I already know that he is melting for you,” I tried to fake the most genuine smile I could. To my surprise it worked.
“Stop it,” Alena laughingly reacted just before she was able to take another bite of her food.

I put down my fork as well while I watched her suppress her laughter in order to take another bite of the pasta.
“Alena,”
Her eyes looked back at me, all happily and joyous again, while munching on a package of spaghetti.
“You’re my little sister–you’ll always be. You’re smart, charming. And if there’s anyone I know will never in a million years turn out to become a failure in any sense, it’s you.”
I watched her let the words sink in, knowing my choice of words might have been a little confusing. But as she digested both the food and my words, her suppressed laughter gradually turned into an emotional smile.
She didn’t say anything, and we once again found each other in this ordinary space of silence.

I couldn’t leave her. I shouldn’t.

10:41 P.M.

“To Alena,

Hey sis, it’s Livi. ”

And that’s where I already couldn’t continue anymore. What was I even gonna say to her? How am I gonna tell my own sister I left her alone?
My eyes started watering again, but I swallowed and quickly wiped the tears out before they would make me change my mind.

Okay, here goes.

“You are literally everything to me, and just know you always will be. I have never lied over the fact that you’re a smart and caring person–always have been, and always will be.

I’ll be going on a short adventure for a little while, not to leave you behind, but only to see what else is out there. And just because I’m not here, doesn’t mean I left you, okay? Because you really are everything to me.

Maybe it will take some adapting, but I just know that you’re gonna power through and become even more independent than you already are. Even though this means having to make breakfast yourself every once in a while…

You’re the bravest girl I know. I’m confident you will figure everything out between making our signature spaghetti yourself, or slowly getting Andrew to fall for you ;)
I promise I’ll be back before you even know it. Because I could never leave you. I would never leave you alone.

Don’t ever change A. I love you, you’re the best little sister I could have ever asked for.

Love,
Liv”

With blurry vision, I looked up at my packed backpack resting against the wall. This was the right thing to do, right?

Downstairs, I had meanwhile started to hear a bit of rumbling throughout the walls and floors. I bet dad’s come home. Not that it made much of a difference.
I got up, took a deep breath, and wiped the final tears out of my eyes.
It took me a minute to readjust to the situation, to the reality that I would no longer be living this life–that soon, we would be on our own.
Trying to push the thought out of my head, I wrapped the letter in a small, brown envelope. On the blank side, I confidently wrote the letter “A” before dropping the letter back down on my desk.

Not even 5 minutes later, I stood in front of Alena’s door. The lights were turned off, it was quiet. I crouched down with the envelope in my hand, prepared to slide it under her door, but something in me felt like this wasn’t right.
As I got back on my feet, my ears quickly prickled up from the sound of the microwave buzzing again downstairs. I quickly brushed it off. My hand slowly reached for the handle.
With a quiet turn of the knob, the door gave way to a darkened room. As quietly as possible, I peeked my head inside to have a look at Alena. She was fast asleep. Her head was facing the door, but she had always been a deep sleeper. Once asleep, there really was no way of waking her. The thought made me smile. But then I remembered why I was here.
Nicely and quickly, I slid the envelope on top of a pile of sketchbooks that lay unorganised on top of her desk.
Good thing her desk was right by the door…

Without making any sound, I carefully took a step back and closed the door in front of me. That was it, it’s settled then.
I turned back to my room, while quietly tears started to come back to me.

11:57 P.M.

Packed with my jacket and all strict necessities, I once more looked back at my room. It felt alive in this empty state. Breathing with the air of who I’ve been all my life. But not with who I’ve yet to become.
My hand found its way over the cold window, which gently gave way with a little bit of pressure. Outside, the air was cold. The wind felt harsh blowing in my face. I decided to pull through.

Very carefully, I lowered my backpack through the narrow opening and aimed it for the garage roof. I dropped it as low as possible, hoping to prevent any noise from being heard whatsoever. Inside, dad was probably just watching TV. And despite the fact that some quiet thuds and crackles couldn’t get him up on his feet, I wanted to be careful regardless.
I followed quickly after my backpack. Lowering myself gradually down into the cold. It felt weird, but then again I was feeling a lot at this moment.

Eventually, I managed to drop myself onto the garage in the same fashion, close the window behind me and make the final little jump onto the pavement below.
My heart was beating at what must have been twice the speed as it usually goes, but then this also isn’t quite the usual anymore.

Ahead of me, the street was empty. Nothing to be seen around anywhere. Lonely streetlights lit roads as black as the night. The occasional tree gave way to the wind, and the occasional cat jumped quietly over bushes and trashcans.

C’mon, where are you Oscar?

I started to grow impatient. I turned around and was now facing my dad’s home once again. Facing what would have been my home for a little while longer.
At the ground floor, the curtains were closed, but blue flickers and flashes lit the living room periodically. You couldn’t hear any sounds of the TV from out here, but just seeing the lights made me think of all the times we went to watch Family Feud together.
For a moment I was just standing there. I couldn’t pinpoint what was going through my mind, but I can tell you it was a lot—too much.

Another minute later there was still nothing to be heard. No muffled engines approaching whatsoever. It inevitably made my gaze shift upwards to a little dark room on the left side of the house. And even though the curtains were shut tightly, and nothing was to be seen, this one hit me the hardest.
I figured my time to say goodbye had passed, that I would be able to let it go by now, but I suppose that might have just never been an option.
And as finally headlights turned down the street, my eyes began to water again.

Behind me, a car engine came to a monotone halt. It didn’t take a long time before I heard a soft hum, followed by the whispering sound of a familiar voice:

“Liv. Livi. You ready?”

I didn’t wanna turn around. I didn’t even want to move. This moment was suddenly the dearest thing I possessed. There was still the road back to my house, back to my room. There were still happy futures to unlock within this house.

“Liv?”

And as tears started to flow uncontrollably, I finally turned towards the car.
Inside, Oscar was looking out of a lowered window. His face was saturated with worry, fear. It seemed like he didn’t know what he was doing either.

“I can't,” I whispered softly underneath my trembling voice, “I can’t come, Oscar.”

He looked at me with a face that still spoke fear over confidence. For a moment, nothing was said. Only the humming howls of the wind filled the neighbourhood around us.

“I have to go,” Oscar finally broke the silence. I could see he was having trouble with it as well. He wasn’t one to show emotions very quickly, but I’d known him for long enough to sense what was up.

Still softly crying, I approached the car until I stood right next to him. Some careful signs of tears now also formed in his eyes.

“I know,” I put my hand on his cheek.

Oscar raised his hand up to mine, and held it for a second. I couldn’t join him, I really couldn’t. This life wasn’t mine to run away from. It was always his.

Our eyes said it all, this was it.
Oscar pulled my hand towards his lips and kissed it very gently. And just before he let me go, a tear fell down upon my hand.

“It’s okay Livi,” he looked back at me and let go of my hand, “I love you.”

Before I could even get myself to say anything in the moment, Oscar already turned away from me and gently set his car in motion again.
I watched red lights slowly fade off into the night sky, dimming over the stretched out street. Off to some new life that was meant to be ours. A life he would have to face alone.
I closed my eyes again while naturally I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

Not even 15 minutes later, I sat back on my bed. The climb back inside might have been a bit more reckless than the descent had been, but I didn’t care anymore. My bag was resting against the wall, and my eyes were locked in on my door. There was one more thing I needed to do before I could forget about all of this.

Quietly, I made my way over to Alena’s room. I brushed her door open as I had done earlier that night. She was still facing the door, her sweet face now enlightened by the minimal rays of light that escaped from the hallway.
I stepped into her room, picking up the envelope again as I quietly approached her bed. And just before I made my way next to her, I had managed to slip the envelope smoothly into my back pocket.

I brushed around the bed and sat down next to her. Somewhere I was hoping she would wake up, but I tried my absolute best to keep her sleeping comfortably.
With a quick motion, I suddenly found myself laying next to her, my hand resting over her arm, all while her warmth brought me back my smile.

I wasn’t leaving. I could never leave her.